I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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