I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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