the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize