Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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