I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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