My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
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I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
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How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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