I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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