I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
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I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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