I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
