youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
