Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
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I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here