I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin