Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.