The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
