i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize