your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
