the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
