Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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