We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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