anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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