I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.