the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
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How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
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You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.