I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse