Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
