just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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