im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
