I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
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Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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