How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
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Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
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I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.