i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
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It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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