if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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