I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
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I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
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Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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