there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
