So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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