The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
