Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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