I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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