I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
