if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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