I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
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I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
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How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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