the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
