totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
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