I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
