I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
