Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
