I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
