WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great