I want to stick my p in your. b.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.