im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
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yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You're like the curious george of whores
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
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Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.