just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.