my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley