everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
we're making bets on your personal life
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Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
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Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom