My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
