The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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