Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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