Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
