last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
