Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
