I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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